If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,

And the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,

And the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,

Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM

Then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

To: Technical Support 18 months ago, I upgraded to girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better, I tried a shareware programme, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that these two systems detected each other and they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbostrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Help requested, please? >